When your heart and mind are pulling you in different directions...which do you listen to?

My mind tells me that my boyfriend had a shady past..cheating in past relationships..lying and he recently put in doubt that he can remain faithful to me. He hasn't cheated...(unless you count sexting another girl cheating..which I guess I sort of do) but my head is telling me that I should logically cut my losses and move on.

But I can't.

Maybe i'm just smitten or being a fool...but there is something telling me not to leave. I love this boy so much...he was my best friend before we got together. He was a druggie..he was disconnecting with his family and didn't care about college before we started to date. Personally I know that he is hugely hilarious, smart, good looking, has an extremely supportive family and just has so much damn potential that it breaks everyones heart that he was throwing his life away.

Due to his shady past, there are people that paint him a bad kid. They dont see him everyday like I do. They dont see the transformation, the healing, the shifting of priorities that I see in him.

Despite the small wrong choices he makes, I can't help but firmly believe that I can help him be the person I know that he can be. He has completely eliminated all hardcore drugs from his life (weed i'll permit), he has a job lined up and he recently enrolled into college. He doesn't want to party all the time but relax and spend time with his closest friends.

Now here's the kicker..the girl he was sexting? My little sister. As painful and heartbreaking as that mess was...I forgave him. I can't explain it, I feel like i'm not finished with him. He needs guidance, he needs support, he just needs someone to give a damn.  

If I can help this person succeed in life and truly love him not as just a lover but as a friend..then is that so bad?

I've taken hits from our relationship too..my relationship with my parents suffered because they were told (from a bitter parent) of his past. Before I got to even introduce him to them, they already hated him. There is nothing I can say that will make them give him a chance. They believe that I am holding myself back from him because he comes from a lower class family. Who gives a damn what his house looks like? I can see the good in this boy and he happens to make me very happy. If I can go out into the world to make something of myself, why can't I bring someone with me?

 My mom is always telling me "You can't save everyone Bella." My answer is always the same, Why not?

Am I a fool for not getting out now?

ouch huh? Maybe i should clarify things a little bit. it's actually a bad high school movie.

sister+girl+me. we were all best friends. girl has been dating this one guy on and off for 6 years. and it definitly wasn't sex keeping them together because she was a virgin. anyway. i was all for their coupling. they both had bad moments by cheating on each other but in the end it was as if they were meant for each other. i always pushed their relationship because i loved that they seemed happy. well one day it just got really bad and the girl broke it off with the boy saying that he was cheating on her again. he plead to me for help and i believed him so i tried to push the girl. she wouldn't hear it and cut him out. seriously. the boy and i were devastated and i was of course there to comfort him. well. i have a history of partying and getting drunk and making out with boys. one day we were at this party and i got WASTED. before i knew it i was laying down with the guy and thinking man those are some nice lips. i got closer and closer, he knew what i was doing he wasnt that drunk. but he did nothing to stop it. i kissed him and it was all over. it got hot quick. we made out on the couch and as we were leaving we were getting pretty hot and heavy in the backseat. by the time we got home, i was extremely drunk, horny and i was not a virgin. so we went at it like bunnies all night and in the morning i remember looking through bleary eyes at him waving at me with this huge smile on his face and then i passed out again. when i woke up i was hit with the news. i had slept with my best friends ex-love of her life. i was horrified. sure i had always thought he was cute and had great luscious lips but i had never thought of him in "that" way. i quickly told my sister the news and she was shocked as well. i vowed never to say anything but the guilt was horrible. the next day was his birthday. we all celebrated by drinking at his cousins house. she made delicious shots and by the 12 one i was once again completely wasted. the ex love of MY life was at the party and he had taken almost as much i had. i began to have thoughts of us having great fun in the sack. that night he ended up at my house and we went at it like bunnies. i had no idea that the guy was in my sisters room. the next day i woke up with another hang over and not really any regrets. it wasn't until a few days later that i heard a rumor that my sister had been with the guy. but of course i immediately dismissed it. no way. thats my sister. HER best friend. she would NEVER do that. unfortunately the best friend found out and all hell broke loose. no one was even mentioning me, but they all knew that i had slept with him. so why were they coming down on my sister so hard? unless......unless she had actually slept with him! I was FURIOUS. and hurt. i screamed, cussed, threw shirt, tore pictures of her and threw out EVERYTHING that was hers out of my room. she didn't deny it. the guy tried to talk to me but i quietly told him to get out and he left. i wasnt just mad that my sister had slept with a guy that I had two days before but i was horrified that she would betray her best friend that way. yea i had done it but that was bad enough...now her closer best friend had done it?? i was hurting alot for my best friend. and here is the icing on the cake. i later found out that they had not only slept once. but twice. who knows maybe even more. this was no mistake since her plea had been that she was stoned. no MINE was an accident. i truly was horrified by my actions. she had done it..then got alone and did it with him AGAIN.  dumb bitch. anyway i eventually saw past the red tint in my vision and began to calm down. the guy confessed how he had always liked me for the past year. uhhhh what????? i was so confused. but i began to look at that boy differently and realize that hey..he's cute...i love how he adored his girlfriend. so we became friends with benefits that turned into dating. he is now my boyfriend of 2.5 months and i have forbidden him from being near my sister. but i will always be suspicious that he still talks to her secretly. high school drama. sucks balls.

Hi :) first blog on Xanga. i'm a passionate blogger usually but i just discovered Xanga. hmmm...so as i was walking down the hallway to my dorm,  (i live on the 14 floor of Jester West in Austin Texas) i passed two guys. First guy to was this tall thin blonde with beautiful crazy hair that is a 1. genius and 2. crazy about me.

 Unfortunatey after three tries to ask me out and my cancelling every time he finally took the hint and he always gives me this guilty look everytime i pass him. After that awkward moment i kept walking and ran into another boy that had fallen for me the first weeks of school. Unfortunately i had gotten hammered one night and ended up making out with him in the study room.

The next day i woke up with a hangover and a slight mortification of making out with a guy that i lived down the hall with. He was super cute...unfortunatly he was a horrible kisser. i remembered in the morning and i was dismayed. i hate horrible kissers. he didnt even let me help him. So i had to snip that in the bud. [i'm not harsh, i just found a few days later that a high school friend wanted to become a couple] i put *tom on the back burner while i tried to figure THAT one out. Well he completely ignored me as i passed him. sooooooorry that it didnt work out.

Anyway. Here in my dorm trying to study for an astronomy test that i have to take tomorrow and work on a 6 page paper for my ancient greece class. i do NOT wanna do it :( side note* i'm seriously screwed about tomorrows test. blah. till next time!